Igore

"i want all of you forever. you and me. every day."

ideal

i made up this image of you in my head.
i made up the color of your hair, and your eyes.
i even made up the house we owned,
the kids we had.
the jokes we told and the times we shared.
wrapping your christmas present,
kissing your neck, framing our picture.

you are sweet, and everyone adores you.
you are mine.
we can listen to music all day together.
we go to the beach pretty regularly
and sometimes you make me breakfast.
sometimes.
we go on runs with our dog
and on the weekends we go to the game.
i can tell you anything and you always listen.
you never hurt me and never lie.

you buy me flowers on my birthday.
sometimes we go on car rides just to get away.
you always want to be near me.
you love me.
you cherish me.

& i am letting you go.
you do not really exist.

you will lie to me, and you will hurt me.
you will get to me deeper than anyone has.
you might forget your loyalty to me,
you might even leave me.
not everyone will like you,
and some days you won't like me.

you will do all these things because i made you up.
you're not real.
you were just an image in my head.

raw

background noise
fuzzy thoughts
my heart goes thump

bottom of my shoes
no you
back turned and my stomach
too.

that just happened
and i already
failed to remembered
im drawing a blank
my heart is blank

you wiped my heart clean

clean
brand new
fresh
ripe

a wish to not come true.

to be up on a cloud
where i can be loud

where i could cry if i wanted
or just fly.

to be up on a cloud in your arms again.

what i would give right now
to be up there,
to be next to you.
ask me, i would do.

i'm mad at you for leaving me there
but i can see why you had to go
its crazy here.

i just wish you took me too.
i have no one to talk with, like how i used to with you.

i thought i did, but he's gone too.

"oh no, here comes that sun again.
that means another day without you my friend.
and it hurts me to look into the mirror at myself.
and it hurts even more..." -BH

sunday afternoon

there's only one you...
strongest love i ever felt...
nothing more real...

...in the world.

awwww, stress.

rash on the hands,
jokes are swirling
doctor takes a gander
looks as though he pities me
i wonder the cause
dyshidrosis eczema
directly related to high stress


money? no
school? no
soccer? ...maybe
then what?!


"oh, it is love."

nice to know you, goodbye.

amazing?
i think so.

high school, bye school

summer, church,
hi its nice to meet you
this girls beautiful i dono what to do
hi its nice to meet you too

school, lunch,
you know its been on my mind
damn hes so fine
we should take it further
its about time

every day, for 6 months,
baby you know i love you
man i really do
baby you know i love you too

school, graduation
im leaving.
its over with me and you.
its been the only thing on my mind.
but baby-- i thought-- man its fine
maybe itll work out another time.

summer, phone rings,
hey its me sorry i havent called
how are you
now what am i supposed to do?
i miss you
yeah yeah i miss you too

every day, since,
i dont know,
i just cant get him out of my head
everything will be fine
yeah i know my mom says itll just take time

knock, at my door,
hey we gotta talk
i cant get over you
im still in love
do you love me?
i hope you do

no,
you broke my heart in two.
i cant-- i dont love you.

dusk

windows down
music loud
absolutely no one around.
windy roads
with no stops.
destination?
have plans
but nothing will rush me

time

lets talk about time.
time lasts forever.
"time heals all"
time stops when im with you.
time controls my all day.
time go.
time stop.
you plan time.
you forget the time.
time freezes sometimes.
the more i need time to pass
the slower it goes
and
the more i want this moment to stay
time takes it away.
lets talk about time.
you can remember a time
over and over.
the time plays
over and over,
and you hate it.
then
you wish you could remember a time
but you go blank
over and over,
and you hate that
you really do.
time is good
and
so evil too.

Tug of War
is
r i p p i n g
me apart.

Head vs Heart.

Abuelito

If you were here, you'd be proud of me.
If you were here, I would feel alright.
I can't wait to kiss your prickly face.
I can't wait to hold your hand.
If you were here, you'd take me out.
You would do anything for me, and I for you.
December fourth was the saddest day of my life.
I lost you.
I know you will always be with me, but
If you were here now, I would feel alright.
I really miss you, and I think about you all the time.
If you were here, you'd tell me how much I look like my mother.
You'd tell me that I'm beautiful- I know you would.
If you were here, you'd be the best dressed.
You'd be the most charming, but you know all this.
If you were here, I wouldn't need anyone else.
If you were here, we would light up the room.
We always did when we were together.
I remember how you smell.
You always smelled good.
I remember when you put oil in your hair it'd become yellow.
If you were here, you'd cherish me.
You would never let me cry.
I know you'd hug me forever if I asked you to.
You would bring me along just because huh?
I know you would.
If you were here, you'd be at every game.
You already know, you'd be my biggest fan.
The only one I would see in the stand.
I can feel your boxed chest, and your 5 o'clock after shave.
I remember your voice.
I wish I could hear it again.
If you were here Abuelito, I'd be here too.

Not Just Words

Love forgets mistakes; nagging about them parts the best of friends. Proverbs 17:9

Psalms 118- God's love NEVER fails.

But the Lord's plan will stand forever; his ideas will last from now on. Psalms 33:11

Lord- Your love reaches to the heaves, your loyalty to the skies. Psalms 36:5

Instead, live in the right way, serve God, have faith, love, patience, and gentleness. Fight the good fight of faith, grabbing hold of the life that continues forever. 1 Timothy 6:11

My brothers and sisters- when you have many troubles, you should be full of joy, because you know that these troubles will test your faith, and will give you patience. James 1:2-3

He will not let you be defeated. He who guards you never sleeps. Psalm 121:3

I Thought I Was Your Dream 5.11.2009

I want to tell you that I saw this coming.
I want to tell you that i knew you couldn't handle me long term.
I want to tell you that you're great, but I deserve someone who fully accepts me for me.
I want to tell you that you were never good enough.
I want to tell you that it should've been done in January.
I want to tell you that you're stubborn, prideful and your ego is too big for the world.
I want to tell you that you're the closest person to me.
I want to tell you that I accepted every single part of you, and loved you even more for them.
I want to tell you that I'll never be able to give you my heart a third time.
I want to tell you that you never deserved me in the first place.
I want to tell you that no girl will ever match up.
I want to tell you that no one will ever love you like i do.
I want to tell you that I would do anything for you and your family.
I want to tell you that I learned so many things that I do not want in a man.
I want to tell you that I'm not sure if any one will ever match up.
I want to tell you that I'm scared that I will always love you.

I want to tell you all of this, but I can't.

I can't because it doesn't matter.
I can't because I loved you harder than you loved me.
I can't because you made up your mind.
I can't because I asked you a thousand times.
I can't because you didn't keep your promises.
I can't because I begged for you.
I can't because you don't deserve to know anything.
I can't because I can't do this to myself.

again.

I want to tell you that I loved you more than myself.
I want to ask you why you didn't cherish me.
I want to scream and hate you for this.
i want to laugh and say you'll regret it all.

All I hear is that "time will heal all wounds."
All I hear is "there's someone better out there for you."
All I hear is that "he misses you. I know he does."
Most of all, I just want to understand.

starting over

new time for me.
new heart for me.

new words to be said.
new thoughts in my head.

new way to see myself.
new me- inside and out.

hey there.
watch out.